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Aug. 25th, 2009

Kaylee
  • 10:35 I work in a pretzel shop in a mall. Our pretzels are made fresh at least every 45 minutes and we only make so many at a time to avoid waste. #
  • 10:39 My question: is it wrong to be irritated by people... #
  • 10:40 who ask for free food when they have to wait 5 minutes because we're still recovering from a rush? #
  • 10:44 @trappedinaboi Thanks for the hugs and it's nice to know I'm not the only sane person around. #
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Sometimes I scare myself

Kaylee
What's this a post on my LJ?

Don't get to excited; this one's going to be a bit of a downer. I don't like to write about bad things but it's important for me to keep track of these sorts of things.

So yesterday I was walking to the bus stop to go to work when I saw a road roller coming down the street. I was on a back street but they are doing road work nearby so it wasn't suprising to see it. Whatsuprised and scared me almost to tears was the thoughts that flew through my mind when I saw it. I saw it and started thinking about how it could kill me.

To be more exact I thought about how I could kill myself with it, how I could run up to it and dive under the heavy roller and the driver wouldn't have time to stop and the roller woulf crush and mangle my body beyond any hope of saving me. I thought about how it would feel. Would I feel it? Or would my mind collapse faced with so much pain? How long would I live? Would I live long enough to feel my skull caved in?

These thoughts rushed through me in a minute. What makes these thoughts so scary is that they are not just idle thoughts. There is a part of me that wanted to dive under that road roller. I've had thoughts like this in the past. Watching cars speed by from the crub thinking about which were going fast enough or which were big enough to guarantee a kill. But I haven't had them for a while. Not since things started to much go better in my life. It scares me so much that some part of me wants to throw everything away. It scares me so much knowing that I want to do it even though I don't. The desire to die and to live are both in me. Right now I want to live more than I want to die but what if that changes? That's what really scares me.

I may have outed myself

Kaylee
So this guy who is like very important in the company that owns the store I work in has been around the past couple of days because of the pretzel store construction and opening on Friday. Yesterday he saw my transgender pendent necklace and asked what the symbol on it was. I told him it was the symbol for transgender but he didn't know what that was and work came up so I didn't get to explain.

Now I'm afraid I've outed myself in a less than optimal way. My only hope in not being outed is for him to forget about it and not find out what transgender is due it the opening of the new store. I'm feeling a little scared that this is going to blow up and I'm going to lose my job.

Why did I tell him the truth? He gave me an out when he asked. He asked me, "What is the signifigants of this? If you don't mind me asking." I could have blown him off. I could have lied. I could have said anything but instead I told the truth. So, why? Because he asked. I see hundreds of people in a day. None of them ask. I work with the same ten people. Only a couple have asked and I told them too. I think I'm tired of living a lie. The me everyone knows, it's me but it's me filtered through the lie of being a man.

Part of me hopes he does look up transgender. Part of me hopes that I don't lose my job. Part of me hopes that I can become all of me instead of being just a part of me.

Advice needed!

Kaylee
So the other day I was going through my browser history looking for a webpage when I saw some entries for redtube. For those not in the know redtube is like youtube but for porn. Now I will not deny having gone there in past but not on the day that I was looking at in the history. After looking at the times and date I realized that on that day I had left my netbook at hone for my niece to type up a paper, because her laptop was on the fritz.

In Chrome opening a new tab displays your top nine most visited sites. While helping her mother look up something on my niece's laptop I noticed redtube was on the new tab page. I asked my niece to come help me with something in another room and told her what I had seen. Then I gave her tips on how to hide her viewing habits better and told her I wouldn't tell her mom.

Now I'm wondering if I made the right call. I'm thinking I should have a sit down conversation about safe sex with her to be sure she has good info. I am conflicted about not telling her mom. Should I tell her? I'm really unsure what her reaction would be.

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rambling thoughts part whatever

eye
It's June 1. The day before my birthday. I haven't slept yet so tomorrow it will still be the day before my birthday. I'm expecting an email from myself. I sent it about six months ago via Futureme.org. I tried to forget about it but in trying to forget I rooted it more firmly in my mind.

I've been thinking about when is the best time to come out at work as transgender. There is no best time. Everytime I pick a time I can see a better time just a little later on. I'm going to be chasing the end of the rainbow forever at that rate. I feel like for the first time in my life I am where I am supposed to be and yet I am not being who I want to be. If coming out cost me my job I don't know what I would do. I love my job so much and I've only had it for a few months but I can not imagine working anywhere else.

One of our new employees said to me that he really like that everyone is so cool at this job. That there aren't any jerks working here. There's no one that he thinks, "oh no I have to work with him," about. This same guy told me about his uncle, I think, that transistioned to living as a woman. I'm wondering if he was hinting that he knows or suspects I'm trans. Even if he doesn't know, I now know I could count on him as an ally.

A coworker just moved yesterday. I asked her about the rent and features of the apartments she and her husband moved into. It is a nice apartment complex and it's located close to my work. The rent is a bit more than I would like to be paying but I might be able to afford it after I get my raise.

Thinking about moving is painful. I've lived with my sister and her three kids for nine years. I've helped support and raise them. And now I want to walk out of their lives. It hurts so much to think about. I haven't even talked to my sister about my wanting to move out. I don't want to hurt her. She talks about things that are going to happen so long as I live with them. If I leave how will they get by. I pay half the rent and half the bills. How can I force that much on to her at once? How do I say I don't want to support you any more? How do I turn my back on three wonderful kids that I think of as my own? HOW?

I don't know.

From 8-8-07 coming out to my sister

Kaylee
I came out to my sister on Aug 8, 2007. At the time I wasn't blogging but I did write a message to a friend about what happened that night. I was afraid that I had lost the copy of that message but I found it in the saved messages folder. Here it is.

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Last night I told my sister I wanted to live as a woman.

I was so scared I couldn't even tell her I wanted to to tell her something. After she got home in evening from work I spent an hour trying to work up the nerve to ask her to come with me on a short drive so we could talk. Finally I wrote a note saying I wanted to talk to her but was still to scared to give it to her. I tacked it to the door frame before I left to wash clothes so she would find it after I left. Then I cried on the way to the laundry. When I got home the note was still up and I thought she had missed it but then she came up behind me and asked if I was ready to go. So instead of just going on a short drive we decided to take our video rentals back. When we got to the rental place I parked my car, turned it off and started to tell her. Coming up with the words to tell her was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My heart started beating hard and fast and my body start to tremble then to outright shake. I didn't feel I could just blurt out, "I want to live as a woman."

So I started by reminding her of a time when she had told her kids that if they ever felt like they were gay they could go to her and she would be ok with it. Then she had said, "Even if your uncle wanted to be your aunt I'd be ok with it."

Back in the car I asked if she still felt that way and she said yes and asked if I loved a boy. I said, "No the second part." She then told me to just blurt it out. I tried three times getting and far as, "I...," before trailing off. Finally I said "I feel I would prefer to live as a woman." And she said, "Ok, that's fine." I didn't break down then but tears started leaking from my eyes. She stroked my hair and told me it was ok. Then she asked me if this was why I didn't want to cut my hair. I couldn't speak normally only whisper yes and nod my head. She offered to help tell our parents but I want to wait a little while before telling them. She went ahead inside and I stayed in the cry for a few moments to cry off some of the nervous energy.

When I went inside I was still a little nervous that things would now be awkward between us but once I found her and started looking for movies it was almost like it hadn't happened.

When we got home she offered to tell the kids which I wanted to put off but she said the soon the better. So I let her. I don't know what she told them because I hid out in my room. I went to bed soon afterward so I haven't really been around them now that they know.

So that's it. I'm out to my sister and her kids. After spending hour after hour being afraid that she might be angry or upset or in the worst case might ask me to leave, she's fine with it.

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The friend I sent this to advised me to save it in a blog so that I could look back and see how far I had come and to know how things had happened. Her advice lead me to begin blogging. However once I did start I forgot about saving this message until now. There are a few more old messages and some very early posts that I want to save so I'll be posting them to Infowhore Speaks and here for a bit of redundancy.

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May. 14th, 2009

Kaylee
So I'm posting here cause this is going to be a total poor me post.

I'm thinking real hard about coming out at work to my manager. The when I came out at my previous job I had been there for like four years. I really knew those people and I really knew my boss wouldn't fire me. Here I'm not sure. I think my manager is LGBT friendly. He's made mention of dating guys but seems to currently only be interested in women now. I just don't know how the regional manager wold take it. I like her and she likes me, that is she likes the male me. But she's super practical and wouldn't hesitate to fire me if she thought she had cause. I just don't know what to do.

I've started feeling lightheaded a lot of the time. When I bend over for even a few seconds I get like swarming blackness in my vision. Sometimes it happens when I go from looking down to look straight ahead. This worries me. I've been experiencing this for a few weeks but in the last few days it's gotten worse. I thought it was due to me not eating before going to work and then not eating until after work but it has continued even though I have begun eating before work and eating a snack at work.

Along with the lightheadness comes something that feels like depression but isn't quite the same flavor. It's like an apathy towards everything and everyone. A desire to hide away from people in a quiet place. Everything feels like an annoying buzzing around my head. Only by focusing on one task can I remain collected but I can't do that all the time cause I'm the one in charge. I supposed to watch everything and it just feels overwhelming sometimes.(No this is not just me feeling overwhelmed be my poistion. I'm fine most days just when I feel like this it starts to loom like a tsunami.)

I need to eat healthier. I need a kitchen that I can cook in at night when I get home. Right now I can't cook at night cause I live with my sister and her kids who all go to bed by 10pm which is when I get home. It's a small two bedroom apartment. I have one bedroom the kids have the other and the living room is half my sister's bedroom which is directly conected to the kitchen. So no midnight cooking. This is one of the reasons I've been wanting to move out on my own. I'm scared to leave my sister and her kids alone. I feel like I would be abandoning them. I love them so much. I could afford to live alone on what I make, expessily since I will be getting a raise soon. But I don't know if she could do it alone. I should talk to her about this but I can't get the words out. I'm more afraid to tell her that I want to move out than I was to tell her I'm transgender.
Kaylee
Over on my fiction blog, Gillian's Fiction, I've started writing and posting a story in hundred word parts. I'll be posting six days a week, Saturday through Thursday, and collecting the week's posts on Friday. Head on over for Part One and Part Two of "Am I Memorex?"

"Am I Memorex?" asks the question, can a copy be as good as the original? What if you're copying people? Is the copy someone new or the same person? Follow Regina as she tries to answer these questions for herself.

Mar. 27th, 2009

Kaylee
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Tweets for Today

Kaylee
  • 12:27 @trappedinaboi hi #
  • 15:03 @mercuryeric I am intrigued. Is there a RSS feed? I wouldn't ask except I can't find one and I don't want to lose track of this. #
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